OK. So, I was trying to think of a subject I could talk about here. I figured I would entertain you with an alphabetical movie face-off of my collection. If I haven’t seen the movie, it will not be eligible for the battle. I have a few movies I have bought and just haven’t got around to watching them. Some of the movies are my fiancee’s, and I haven’t watched(I have watched some of her movies). I’m so bad at getting around to watching movies. I have like 4 movies I borrowed from one of my friends, and I still haven’t watched them over a year later. Some of the titles you will love, others you might hate. There might be some that you think “why does he own that?” And others you will refer to as classics.
This will be the first of a hopefully ongoing series. In each volume of this series we will pit 2 movies(which I’ve seen and own) head to head. I will discuss memorable scenes and/or quotes, and give a letter grade, to determine a victor. Understand this is my opinion, and I fully expect some of you to disagree with me in my choices. I am hoping I will spotlight some of your favorite flicks as well. There will be six matches this evening, for a total of one dozen movies. “Let’s begin, shall we?, Shall we?!” 100 points if you know what movie that line is from.
Let’s meet the combatants for the first match. In the red corner we have 8 Heads in a Duffle Bag. And in the blue corner we have 3000 Miles to Graceland.
Now, before we get to the mini review for each film, let me inform you that the review will represent what I remember.
8 heads in a Duffle Bag- Joe Pesci is a mobster, who has a duffle bag with 8 decapitated human heads in it. The reason he has these heads is for evidence that he killed these guys. Then, we have a couple going down to Baja, and the man of the couple mistakes Joe Pesci’s bag as his own…you know, the classic “mistaken luggage movie plot”. The man discovers that he has the wrong bag when the dog pulls a head out of the bag. He does a good job from hiding it from everybody, but every time he tries to dispose of the bag, something foils his attempt. Joe Pesci needs those heads or he’s a dead man. Hilarity ensues. Grade- C+
Memorable line- I can’t remember any dialogue from that movie.
3000 Miles to Graceland- Kevin Costner and Kurt Russell are part of a small band of thieves who rob a casino dressed as Elvis impersonators during a huge Elvis convention at said casino. One gets shot during the getaway, and Kevin Costner basically puts him out of his misery. Mr. Costner then procedes to try and eliminate the rest of the crew so he doesn’t have to share the score with anyone. He succeeds in killing 2 of the remaining 3. Kurt Russell doesn’t go down like a bitch. A lot of bad-ass shit goes down between the two. In the end Kurt Russell and a smokin’ Courtney Cox live happily ever after. Grade- A
Memorable line- “What’s the smartest thing to ever come out a bitch’s mouth?” “Einstein’s cock!”- David Arquette
Winner- 3000 Miles to Graceland
Our next match-up is a doozy! Coming to the ring first we have…American History X. And following that entrance, we have Anchorman-The Legend of Ron Burgundy.
American History X-Derek Vinyard’s(Edward Norton), father is a firefighter who is killed in the line of duty. Derek believes that his father died because of minorities. Derek becomes a skinhead and rises through he ranks quickly. His younger brother Danny(Edward Furlong) emulates his brother and wants to be like him. Derek ends up in prison and while in there, he realizes how wrong he is about everything. Meanwhile Danny is becoming more heavily involved in the skinhead lifestyle. When Derek is released from prison, he makes it his duty to try and reverse his brother’s thinking. It ends up being to late, as Danny is shot and killed in a school bathroom. Grade- A-
Memorable line- This movie rings so true. I don’t think that there is a true memorable line, but rather, a memorable message…Life is too short to hate.
Anchorman-The Legend of Ron Burgundy- Will Ferrell is Ron Burgundy, the hottest anchorman in town. A woman(Christina Applegate) is hired to the station and Ron tries to bed her. She wants to be a co-anchor but Ron doesn’t believe that is a position for a woman. Eventually Ron gets fired and is all depressed. In the end he saves the day and gets his job back and gets the lady. Grade- A+
Memorable line(s)- “LOUD NOISES!” “I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE YELLING ABOUT!”- Steve Carell
Winner- Anchorman-The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Our next contestants are…Austin Powers:The Spy Who Shagged Me and Back to School.
Austin Powers:The Spy Who Shagged Me- It’s been a long time since I saw this one. But we were at Big Lots and it was only 3 bucks. How could I say no? We all know this is a spoof on the James Bond series. Mike Myers plays our hero, Austin Powers and his nemesis, Doctor Evil. As I said, I haven’t watched this in forever, and the only thing I can tell you is…that mini-me makes his debut as well as Fat Bastard. Right? Austin stops Doctor Evil from destroying the world and saves the day. Grade- C-
Memorable line- “Yeah baby!”- Mike Myers
Back to School- Thornton Melon(Rodney Dangerfield), is a self made millionaire, with his “Tall and Fat” stores. His son, Jason is in college and is stressed out, and wants to drop out. Thornton doesn’t like the idea of that , and being that he never went to college, he decides to enroll himself, and encourage Jason. Being that Thonrton is a millionaire, he is the life of the campus. The dorm he, along with Jason and his room mate share is top notch. The place is the size of 3 dorm rooms and has a hot tub. Thornton parties hard and pays to have experts do his assignments. Jason begins to resent his father because he is not working for this achievement, he is paying for someone else to do it. Thornton gets the message loud and clear. He studies and memorizes hard-core to pass a final exam and not get expelled. He succeeds and Jason is once again a proud son and now a graduate. Grade- A+
Memorable line- “Say When.”- Girl in hot tub, pouring champagne, “Right after this drink.”- Rodney Dangerfield
Winner- Back to School
This next match is scheduled for one fall. Starring John Travolta, we have Be Cool. And starring Michael Keaton, we welcome Beetlejuice.
Be Cool- John Travolta is a music producer and…okay I’ve seen this twice and while it’s a good movie I can’t remember much more than an all-star cast. Dwayne Johnson, a.k.a.-The Rock does an awesome job as a gay siger/diva. In my opinion he makes this movie. Rounding out this A-List cast is, Uma Thurman, Andre 3000, Cedric the Entertainer, Vince Vaughn and a cameo from Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler. Grade- B
Memorable line- John Travolta(Chili), looking at man’s chest hair, “Is that chest hair real?”, “Yes.” says the hairy man. John Travolta then grabs him by that hair and throws him across the pawn shop.
Beetlejuice- The yuppie Maitlands die on their way home from their hardware store, and end up in limbo. A new family has purchased the house and are gutting it and making it their own. The Maitlands try their best to scare the new family away, but humorously fail. They end up seeing a commercial for “Beetlguise” and enlist his services. Beetlejuice(Michael Keaton), wreaks havoc and turns everything upside down. In the end, they get rid of Beetlejuice and the 2 families, alive and dead, learn to live together. Grade- A+
Memorable line- “Ya bucha losers!”, “You’re dealin’ with a professional here!”- Michael Keaton
Only two matches to go!
Facing off in the squared circle, we have…Big Bully vs. Big Money Hustlas
Big Bully- When David Leary(Rick Moranis) is in grade school, a moon rock is brought in to the school for a display. Rosco Bigger(Tom Arnold) stole it and David ratted him out. He was arrested and he moved. I’d say it’s about twenty years later, and David starts a teaching job in his old Minnesota school. Little does he know, his childhood bully is a teacher at the school as well. The battle pretty much starts out where the childhood rivalry left off, this time a little more adult like yet just as immature. Everything gets settled, and we have a happy ending. Grade- C+
Memorable line- Another I haven’t seen in a while. But, c’mon! It’s got Rick Moranis in it, you can’t go wrong.
Big Money Hustlas-This is basically a spoof on 70s blaxploitation movies and police dramas. If you aren’t a fan of the ICP(I’m down, but we won’t get into that.), you probably won’t like this movie. Sugar Bear(Shaggy 2-Dope) is the top cop on the streets. He’s a hero in San Francisco, and now he’s come to New York to help rid the city of Big Baby Sweets(Violent J). As expected in this comedy, the good guy wins and saves the city. There were a few other celebrity cameos as well. We had Fred “Rerun” Berry, Rudy Ray Moore(Dolomite), Twiztid, Myzery, Harland Williams(his role was big, he was a main character), and Mick Foley. All in all, a fun movie. Grade- C+
Memorable line- “I’m inna ape suit!” “Means I don’t give a fuck!”- Violent J(Ape Boy)
Our last match on the card tonight is………..Big Top Pee Wee vs. The Boondock Saints.
Big Top Pee Wee- Pee Wee now lives on a farm in the country. He has a talking pig named Vance, he’s a brilliant botonist and he’s dating the town’s school teacher. A circus is traveling through town and runs into problems, so Pee Wee agree to house them until they are back on track. The grumpy townsfolk are in an uproar to get the freaks out of town. Pee Wee makes a strange potion that turns the people into little kids that end up loving the circus. He gets the foreign girl from the circus and they live happily ever after. Grade- C
Memorable line- “Mmm.” “Egg salady.”- Pee Wee Herman
The Boondock Saints- Two holy brothers rid their Irish neighborhood of gangsters and criminals. I don’t want to give anything away here folks. Watch the movie, you won’t regret it. Willem Dafoe does an excellent job here. Grade- A+
Memorble line- “I can’t go and buy a pack of smokes, without running into a guy you fucked!”- Funny Man
And there you have it. The first of many alphabetical movie battles. There are a few that were skipped over because, I’ve either not watched them or have seen them once, and don’t remember much about them. These are the ones that didn’t make it this round. 300, ALF Tales(animated fairy tales), Alfie, Almost famous, Backyard Wrestling:There Goes the Neighborhood Collector’s edition DVD, Big Momma’s House and Black Snake Moan.
Like I said, this is the first of many. I hope you have enjoyed it so far.